other wounds just grow deeper
my dad is back from mexico. between being there and being wherever else he was before that (i can't remember), he's been gone almost two weeks. so i'm glad to have him back. but, at the same time, i realize that he can make me feel so loved and so ashamed without speaking a single word. i'll never live up to his standards, never be quite as good as i feel i have to be for him. sometimes it's easier when he's not around.i found out last night that last winter when i was in the psychiatric hospital, someone came up to my good friend tammy and asked her if the reason i was having mental problems was because i was sleeping with john and i felt overwhelming guilty about it....where do people come up with these things? i mean honestly, there's a lot more going on in other people's lives than you can tell just by watching from the outside, and why is it your business anyway? and just because i'm the pastor's daughter or whatever, is the whole church keeping an eye on my life, like it's some kind of soap opera or whatever? (the answer to that is actually yes, from what i've heard and been told.)...then today my girl kristen found out that i occasionally drink alcohol, and of course she flipped out. she couldn't believe it, in spite of my telling her that i rarely drink and i don't ever get drunk. just an occasional beer or a glass of wine. kristen drinks pretty often, but to her i guess i'm supposed to be...i don't know, above that or something? i have no qualms about drinking alcohol. i don't do it to get drunk. i don't drink in public where a lot of people see me. and i don't do it often. plus, i waited until i was legally an adult (at 18) to drink, so it all seems fine to me... none of it really bothers me. people can think what they want. but i do wonder sometimes how much what they think affects who i am and who i'm turning out to be. it's not easy always being on display. there's no room for mistakes, almost no room to be human. (and what else can i be?) it's like everyone expects me to be so good, and i'm not out to be a wild child or anything, but i'm not any better than anyone else.
just give me some room to breathe here.
if i could describe my phsyical appearance in one word right now, i'd have to say: fat. if i had to describe it in two words, i'd have to say: fat, and scarred....that's ok. no one asked for my opinion.
xoxo