sunset
something is missing in my heart tonight. i drove around town to a bunch of different stores, placing purchases into a shopping cart and then charging them on my mum's credit card (because i've run out of checks). some boxes of hair dye, a new journal, a larger purse, clips for my hair, so on and so forth. the more i bought, the emptier i felt, as though with each penny i handed over, a measure of breath was being sucked out of me. somewhere in between all of it i looked outside at the sunset, its various shades of purple and pink, and i wanted to vomit. that's how intense the pain was. someone told me one time that sunsets are God's way of saying He loves us, but for some reason beauty only makes me hurt. i cringe inside to think of it.i want to fly away from here, so hard and fast and far that no distance would remain separating me and God. i want to throw this pain away and say to hell with you because that's where it belongs. inside i feel so homeless. drifting down a river of my own tears like the wretched piece of debris that i am.
i'm going to dye my hair now.
i love you all so very much, xoxo