if you want honesty
it is the first day of school; i woke up way too early and my stomach was empty as air but i felt nautious as though i'd throw up the nothingness that was there and it took forever to find my class. i sat next to a girl named lynn who can't be much older than i am but already has been married and divorced and now is taking care of her 7-month old son and trying to go to school as well. three seats over from me was the only guy in the class his name was bryan i think and he's not married but he also has a son -- a 4-year-old of whom he has custody. and i talked to them and thought about how different this school is than the rich-kid easy-life sorority-fraternity university that i used to attend. my prof was a somewhat grumpy old lady who was anal about a lot of things -- that kind of person who makes you feel stupid just by the way they look at you -- and i wish i weren't so shy and so self-conscious because i hate feeling intimidated by people. it is gloomy outside but i love the weather and inside i feel so lonely such a low that only comes from falling from the greatest of heights i know it's not me yet despair comes so easily and all i can do is cling to Jesus. john came over and he makes things better today is 10 months for us, or 18 months, depending on how you look at it we spoke of being in love versus loving someone and how things change and i don't ever want to grow old and have a calloused heart but who would really want that? it's always a choice. sometimes i hate to speak when i know my words will hurt but silence can hurt a person worse and there are some things that have to be said. i'm holding my breath and waiting to see how you will take it all in and it hurts and my trust is dead i don't always want to spill my heart to you sometimes i'm so afraid i wish you would understand that and stop pushing me and just wait. the narrowing of your eyes and the turning of your pretty head away from me it all makes me want to leave but i'll stay because i love you and i know love is commitment and that won't change.