do you know what it's like
being here, it all comes back: the things with which i felt i could lose touch. my head is overwhelmed. my uncle charles is here, he's driven over from south carolina, even though i know he doesn't really have the money, especially just having come through cancer himself. he looks different, older somehow, a bottle of beer in hand as always and it makes me hurt for him; i hate the alcohol that's ravaged his life and ruined for him everything that really mattered. my aunt has also come down from new york, and really, it feels strange having the two of them here for thanksgiving, because usually they can only afford to come for christmas. all the same i'm more than glad they're here because they make it seem more alive, they fill some of that emptiness that's been left without billy here. things are so different without him. i keep expecting him to walk around the corner with that smile and his voice. the table feels bare, as though we're missing about 10 people instead of 1. and in it all i feel so lost.i drove downtown the other night, not actually meaning to end up there, and the christmas lights were already up, the town square and the courthouse next to it drenched in white like snow; it was so beautiful that it made me ache. i wanted to be the only one in this small town, to stand alone in the center of that canopy of lights and spin in circles until everything disappeared but the swirl of lights and the chill of the air. i wanted by some miracle to find him there when i came back to reality.
it hurts, but as always life goes on.
my cousin hope is going to have a baby; she's about 3 months along now, which means that she was pregnant before billy died. i wonder sometimes if he knew it, even though she didn't even know yet at that time. but he always wanted granchildren, and that would mean that he was a grandpa before he died. the baby is due 5 days before billy's birthday, and i hope it's a boy and that it will have his eyes. i hope also with all my heart that hope and mario will get married; billy would want that too if he were still here.
richard, my dad's youngest brother, leaves for iraq at the beginning of next month. he's only been in the reserves for about a year and a half, but he's being sent overseas and he'll be there for a year. i'll miss him so much... and if anything were to happen to him... but i'm not worried about it, it will turn out ok no matter what.
it's thanksgiving and more than anything i'm grateful for what i have, as well as for the memories which have replaced the things which have been taken away.