you've never known
today the weather was so perfect outside -- somewhere in the 70s, a bit windy and clear clear skies. i came home from class and took my two youngest sisters and my dog to the park. it's weird, being with those two little girls so much; sometimes i feel as though i'm more than just their older sister -- that in some way i'm actually partially raising them, with my mum working now and everything. it's a scary thing to me, although they're great girls and i love them like crazy. they're turning out to be quite lovely.... but, i've always been afraid of being a mother. i've always felt that it's something that is just a bit out of my capability. yes i can take care of people (and i love doing it) and yes i can be strong about things, but i feel that i have no nurturing ability within me. i hurt too much over things pertaining to other people, and i always always care too much. many times in my head i feel that i'm not quite all here. i love children and i love to take care of them, but i don't feel that i will ever be capable of being a mother.... it's not something i'm worried about. if God wants me to have kids someday, then i will and it will all turn out fine.sometimes i just wonder why i am this way and why it matters, and why some things can be so much better but still feel so wrong.